You're So Gay
by Perryels
Summary: Mello and Matt have a little competition to see who's manlier. Crack-ish. :D Sorta...


**I am so back with another Matt and Mello fic for your reading pleasure. Had it for awhile, but I was too busy to even open my account. Y'know, college, stuff happens. Oh, and to everyone who read and/or commented on my previous stories and kept them alive while I was away, you guys rock.**

Rated** T** for M&M's colorful vocabulary, a random plot, crack-ish and possible incoherence?

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><p><strong><span>You're So Gay<span>**

"_Why?_ Why did I ever let you drag me into this place?" Not trying to exaggerate here, but Matt literally sounded like he was in pain. Heck, he would've shamed the actors of SAW VI if he went on a little longer. The redhead looked as if he was about to cry rivers, especially with no kind of videogame to turn to. Matt dismally slumped back in his seat, only to make this misery worse as the back rest lost its hold and reclined all the way back. Poor Matt fell off.

"Mello!" Matt whined, still in that pitiful state of his', but no matter how utterly miserable he had sounded it had no effect on Mello. Mello only glanced at him in his dark-tinted sunglasses.

Matt's face fell in an _'I-can't-believe-he-didn't-even-say-a-word'_ kind of expression and stood up, a hundred and million thoughts of how much he hated this trip crossing his mind. Matt seriously would've rather stayed back in Los Angeles and played his games inside their bland, dull and stuffy apartment where all kinds of pollution seeped in through from their broken window, and you know away from _this_ paradise.

Matt kicked the recliner (cause he acted like a spoiled little seven year old) and snickered to himself at the satisfaction of seeing it collapse in the sand. But now he was standing under the hot Hawaiian sun. And so with no other choice, and not wanting to get fried under the heat, Matt had fixed the damned recliner and crawled back under the shade.

"You know Matt, instead of acting like girl going through her menstrual cycle…" Mello trailed off, and had shocked Matt quite a bit at the information he knew, "…why don't you appreciate this three day all expense paid trip?" The blonde said casually, obviously enjoying this three day break away from all of the shit in the world, and continued to sip his glass of Piña Colada dry.

The redhead had gotten back to his old position on the seat and faced his relaxed friend. "Mels, you see, the fucks I give are inside this glass…" he said, grabbing the now-empty glass from Mello's hand.

Mello cocked an eyebrow quite quizzically as he looked at it behind his over-sized sunglasses. "It's empty."

"Exactly." Matt stated matter-of-factly. "And in case you didn't know, which I doubt since we've been living together for how many years now, me… Hates outdoors..." Then he put the glass down.

Mello shook his head at his stubborn partner. "Damn, you are so gay."

"Me? Gay? I'm more man than you are!" Matt defended suddenly, despite the subtleness in Mello's voice.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. Really."

"Well, I'm not gay enough to fear the outdoors so much, unlike _somebody_ I know," Mello turned to Matt with slight challenge in voice.

"Well…well…" Matt trailed off, almost lost for words. "You're so gay, you wear tight jeans!"

Mello rolled his eyes. But despite the calm façade he was showing, Matt knew Mello hated being told off about his precious leather as much as he hated having his chocolate touched. And that's like, a really big thing.

"What of it?" Mello gave Matt _that_ stare, and Matt knew he shouldn't go any further, but it slipped! He just had to say more.

"…and it's not even obvious you own a dick!"

"You're the fucking dick, retard." Mello sat up, and this time, he wiped the murderous look off his face and replaced it with a taxing stare. He even put up his sunglasses for Matt to see; just so the redhead knew who he was messing with. "I bet I can have all these girls wrapped around my finger before the end of the day and you wouldn't even stand a chance." Mello said, and lifted up a finger, made little circles in the air.

"Yeah? Well, I bet I can have twice as much girls wrapped around my finger than you can." And Matt put up two fingers.

"Then I feel a challenge coming up!" Mello declared and stood up. "Whoever gets the most girls before sunset wins, and whoever gets none," he fake-coughed Matt's name "loses."

Matt stood up confidently after Mello. "What's the reward?"

Mello smirked. "You can start buying me chocolates now." Matt scrunched his eyebrows and thought why he'd need to buy chocolates for Mello at this time. Then it clicked.

"You haven't won yet!"

"Let the challenge begin!"

. . .

Matt was left wandering around the beach, thinking of some weird way how he'll be able to "wrap a girl around his finger". Well, he was never really good with girls, even back then as a kid. The only girl he ever talked to was the virtual one in his game, and he didn't even have to open his mouth. He just had to press a couple of buttons and _viola_, instant communication.

Pathetic isn't it? Matt thought so too. But it's not like he had any time for that kind of stuff. Until now that he needed it for a stupid competition he didn't intend to start! Matt might as well have killed himself back there than have to humiliate himself in front of Mello later. Who knows what's under that boy's sleeve! After all, Mello _is_ the second to L's heir.

He sighed in dismay, discouraged. But suddenly, as if God had given him a helping hand (and no, we aren't talking about that psychopath, Kira.) Matt had spotted a group of girls playing volleyball. With his hopes high, he quickly ran after them.

"Hey…_ladies…_" Matt greeted with a voice an octave deeper than his own and straightened up his body. "How would you like a _man_ to join your game?" He asked, emphasizing the word 'man' as he leaned by the net post, only to lose his balance and stumble a little. The girls held in their chuckles but nevertheless let him join in.

"Okay, ginger head; let's see what you can do…" A brunette said.

Matt prepared himself as he entered the perimeter, even cracking his joints (which made weird sounds that left the girls with an odd expression) to make himself look '_manly'._"I'm ready!" He announced, despite his anxiety. Suck it up! He told himself. It's freakin' beach volleyball. What's the worst thing that could happen?" Matt reassured himself, and the next thing he knew, he was knocked out on the floor with a bleeding nose and a possible black eye.

"Mother of- What happened?"

"Man, _huh_?" Matt looked up to see same brunette, but this time, she had a disappointed look on her face. "_Tsk_. And I thought you were cute." She said and threw and ice pack at him before walking away.

Matt grabbed that ice pack and quickly put it over his throbbing nose. "Wait! I am cute! Let's go out!" He added screaming.

"Not with that bleeding nose, you aren't!" The girl screamed back before she finally got lost in the crowd.

"_Tch_. It's only blood." He said bitterly as he wiped off the stain to his shirt. Matt lazily fell back on the sand, not wanting to continue this game any further. But a figure blocked his view; a figure with blonde hair and three other figures standing next to him. "Mello!" Matt shot up, his eyes wide seeing his best friend with female companies; "How'd you-?" The sluts...girls…giggled behind Mello.

Mello looked smugly at Matt, turned to the girls next to him, and then back to Matt. "You'll find out. And how are _you_ doing?"

"Me?" Matt boldly stood up. "You know, just getting started…" He defended, quickly hiding the ice pack behind him when he saw Mello eyeing it.

"Well then, see you when I win." Mello triumphantly said before turning back with the three girls. One of them had mentioned how cute Matt was though, but Mello _Shsh'd_her. "He's mine."

Some time later, Matt had been trying out several attempts to catch a girl's attention.*

There was one by the ice cream bar wherein he met a fairly young lady. "So, ya come're often?" Matt asked, scooting next to her.

"Mommy!" The little girl yelled. Matt kind of panicked and turned away from the frantic girl, pretending like he didn't know anything. "This man is scaring me!"

"What? Me?" Then he received a slap from the mother. "I was just asking if she came here often!" Another slap. "Ouch! That hurt!" Matt winced and rubbed his already red cheek.

"Now you, young man, apologize to my daughter." The mother demanded and Matt quickly apologized like a little kid.

When everything was settled, Matt turned to the mother, "Do you come here often?" Now that wasn't such a very smart idea. Matt ended up with another black eye.

Another one was when Matt took a jog. He managed to catch up with a tan blonde and decided, why not work his magic on her? "Hey, sweet-cheeks, do you know Karate?" The blonde look at Matt skeptically. "Cause you've got a kickin' body…" Matt smirked. He earned himself a kick on the shin.

"Damn! These girls are so violent." Matt dragged himself with his partially broken leg and decided to take a rest by a juice hut. That's where he'd spotted his next target. But first, he examined her from the back, not someone who might kick his ass so he went for it.

He sat next to her, though he didn't see much of her face. Her long black hair covered a portion of it. Matt took a deep breath and confronted her. "Nice weather we're having, huh? Would you want to a drink?" He tried to sound as natural as possible, as opposed to all the cheesy lines he's been throwing out back then. This might actually work.

But the girl turned to Matt and grabbed his face. "No…thank…you…" She replied with a coarse whisper and stared at him with her vacant eyes. Then she disappeared. Matt passed out.

*But unfortunately he either ended up with a red mark on his face, a black eye, some kind of physically injury or a heart-attack from ghostly encounters. Oh, and not to mention almost getting beat up for mistaking a man as a woman.

Matt was practically tattered and broken when he crawled back to their old spot from earlier this morning, but still with no form of the female species clinging around his arm. He laid back at the same hated recliner next to Mello who was sipping, yet another glass of cocktail.

"How'd you do it?" he asked exhausted. "All of them? How?" Matt added as he stared at the so many girls he didn't have enough fingers to count them, sitting by Mello's side. They were ridiculously many you could actually crowd-surf on top of them.

Mello stood up and Matt followed along.

"You know, I gave 'em some of this…." Mello said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. "The best thing any person can have."

Matt looked down to Mello's board-shorts. "You fu-!"

"No, dumbass, I gave 'em chocolate…" Mello said and took a bar from his pocket. "Bought a piece for everyone of them; who knew skinny girls had big appetites."

"What? That's it?" Matt's face fell. He went through all that stupid hard work when he could've just bribed them with some sweets.

"Yeap. And most of them are transsexual." Matt stopped in his tracks. "I was joking. Jeez, Matt."

"Really?"

Mello stopped this time and faced Matt, shaking his head. Matt had his eyes wide as dinner plates. "Nah. Just kidding."

"You aren't!"

"I'm not."

"You are!" And when Matt's brain was about to go mush over analyzing things, he gave up. "You know what, screw it."

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><p><strong>LOL. I don't get it either. I hope you guys enjoyed it though. :) Well, since I haven't been writing for some time, constructive criticisms are welcome! I'll very much appreciate it. -cookies for everyone-<strong>


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